Congressman Weiner,

What in the hell are you doing? Were it anybody else in any other situation I would say “Get a hold of yourself, man!” But then that’s the problem, isn’t it?

You’re not supposed to be whacking off on the Internet and posing to take cell phone pictures of yourself in the House locker room. You are supposed to be fighting the good fight as a Liberal Democrat, but recent developments have led me to believe that you have completely misunderstood the meaning of the term. In investigating your activities, I have come to think that you may have intended to join the more openly weird Libertarian Party.

I don’t know how to console my wife now that she has seen your photographs. She seems to have lost all interest in anything to do with our home life. There was a time when she used to bounce around the house, after seeing you on MSNBC, shouting “I want Weiner! I want Weiner!” meaning for President, you perve, but now I can’t think of her saying that – which admittedly was a little immature for a woman of her age – without thinking of your penis!, which I have heard about but not actually seen. I saw a redacted version of one of your glamour shots, blacked out like a crime photo, I suppose, because you are involved in government, or were at one time, and the shape created by all the markovers made your naked package look like some sort of a religious symbol. I am not a religious person, but that was too much even for me.

Do you not understand that you were practically the only Democrat anyone ever saw on TV that ever made a coherent case for Democratic principles? And now you’ve smashed all that gravitas by doing things that only make sense if you are a 16-year old nincompoop! Now who do we have to flog our case?

I am of the opinion that when you’ve lost your Weiner you’ve lost your world, because having a staunch advocate willing to go to ground for the ends you seek is a basic impulse.  And now you’ve blown it! Well, actually, I don’t know if you’ve blown it, but you look like the kind of spindly, wiry type who would if he could.

Do you see how this disrespect has infected my attitude? My language? Seeing your penis has left me feeling changed, like I am not the man I want to be!

I am not a member of your constituency – not really – accept that I have been ideologically, or so I thought, and now you have flushed that all down the toilet like so much DNA evidence.

You need to pull your pants up, splash a little water on your face, and get your scrawny ass back to your congressional office to do the people’s business, by which I do not mean your staff!

We are facing serious problems in this country. How can you even get a hard on? I don’t know anyone, personally, who has struck wood since before the real estate bubble burst like some kind of a faulty condom back in ‘05. How can you?

From now on, every time you pull your pecker from your pants, I want you to think of how bad things are for the rest of us in this country. Let your penis be your guide. If it doesn’t start to wilt like a retracting economy, but instead stays hard like we know a Weiner penis to be when it is only thinking about itself, then you have lost your soul and must resign your office. And you will be asked to clean it thoroughly, at your own expense, before you go.

For god’s sake, man, think of the state of your country.

If nothing else, that should keep you at attention.


Rick A. Rice

United States Citizen

P.S. And no, I do not want you to call and talk to my distraught and disillusioned wife.

Rick Alan Rice (RAR) is publisher of the Revolution Culture Journal and